The Conspiracy Unraveled
Our independent team of world-class journalists brings you groundbreaking new public insight into the inner workings of New Zealand's secret society, dubbed the "Sheep-Loving Cabal." What do they do? What do they want? We have compiled a web of interesting and curiously connected facts giving us some needed insight on this secret society. Many of the key players are not who you'd expect. This cabal has its roots deep in the rotting heart of Aotearoa. Even New Zealand's most beloved politician and national sheep-shearing champion are implicated. No one is safe from these fiends, who tarnish the name of our great country.
Jacinda Ardern... Slave Owner?
As our independent journalists have uncovered more about the "Sheep-Loving Cabal," it has brought to light new and disturbing information implicating the former Prime Minister, Jacinda Ardern. Jacinda may have kept her mouth shut, but she didn't cover her tracks. We have reason to believe she has was in communication with the cabal's highest ranks throughout her term as Prime Minister. They were bribing her to pass all sorts of legislation in their interests. In office, the mad woman expanded the powers of the grand shepherds, allowing them to operate with impunity. Of the "gifts" Jacinda received when she worked for the cabal, there is one that is particularly strange. The cabal flew out three child slaves from Ethiopia to Jacinda to become her personal 'indentured workers.'
The three children, Zimbo, Bisrat, and Dawit, were taken from their home in Ethiopia and flown to New Zealand. They are now forced to work as slaves for Jacinda. An anonymous source claiming to be a former member of the Labour Party with close ties to Jacinda agreed to have an interview with us. Our method of journalism entails getting to the facts. We gave him a couple drinks free of charge to get the information we needed. Here is the transciption:
"Jacinda and I were good friends, but some things about her personal life always did bother me. Despite being the Prime Minister, she had trouble with the most basic of things. She would never clean her own home. Putting her socks on, or tying her shoes was tumultuous for her. Even wiping her own ass, she would complain about it being 'too gross,' wishing she had someone do it for her. All of that and she still spends 30 minutes a day brushing her teeth... It was at the end of her first term, when she started to act as if a large burden was taken off her shoulders. She never talked about it, but I noticed something strange was about her. My suspicions were confirmed when I met one of the boys, Zimbo; he was locked in Jacinda's car outside parliament. She either didn't care or she had forgotten Zimbo was in the car. I saw the poor kid there on my smoke break, he was perspiring intensely from the late January heat. I had to break Jacinda's window to save him. I never saw Zimbo again, he jumped straight out the window and ran away. Chances are, he ran right back to Jacinda's house, that's all he knew in New Zealand afterall. When I confronted Jacinda about the African child in her car, she told me truth. She had three of them: Zimbo; the one I'd seen, Bisrat, and Dawit. Gifted to her by the Cabal, to act as her servants. I left the Labour party after that, never talked to Jacinda again. But truthfully I probably shouldn't be saying this to a news corporation. Hey did you fuckers give me drinks to make me say this shit? Is that a fucking tape recorder!?"
We had to run away with the tape recorder to avoid him destorying it. Thankfully our highly skilled journalists were able to recover the details.
Jacinda Ardern might deny all these accusations, even with our direct source. So our crack team of investigative journalists, set out to uncover indisputable physical evidence confirming the boys were working in her home. We decided to rummage through her wheely bin and were able to find a lead. A pack of Ethiopian cigarettes, known as "Nyala." They are a common treat among young boys in Ethiopia. There were still five cigarettes left in the pack, showing Jacinda's cruel disregard of Ethiopian culture, not even allowing the poor boys to finish their smokes. This indisputably proved to us that Jacinda was keeping the 3 boys in her home. Not only that, she is an insane megolomaniac.
Kiwi bank & Tama Te Awanga
So how is Kiwi bank involved? The connection is quite simple. Kiwi bank sends four lump sums each year to a secret account in the Cayman Islands. The account is owned by a shell company registered as "The Grand Merino Wool Association." We checked the records — no such association is registered in New Zealand or Australia. In fact, it's registered in Switzerland, under the name of Tama Te Whaanga. Tame Te Whaanga was a famous Maori sheep shearer in the 1980s. As a young man, Tama accrued massive wealth and influence through his sheep shearing skills. He was the grand champion shearer for 12 years, and held equity in every major wool firm. Later in life, the intensity of the sheep game got to him. He had made too many enemies in high places through his buisness dealings. He was forced to leave New Zealand, some say he is now living as a hermit in the Swiss alps.
Tama holds the money in Switzerland and funneles it back into New Zealand using various cyrptocurrencies. The money is then used directly by the cabal. Many believe Tama holds the keys to cracking this investigation right open. But he is illusive, and has not talked to the media in over 20 years. His motives for supporting the cabal are unclear. But one thing is for sure, Tama Te Awanga knows why Kiwi bank is funding the Sheep Lovers. Perhaps he is a member of the Sheep Lovers himself or is sympathetic because he partakes in their barbaric pratice of Sheep Loving. None can say for sure.
